Preparing for marriage the next time around is challenging in the best of situations. While most people are very excited about the idea of 2nd marriages, very few divorced parents adequately prepare themselves for the minefield of challenges that can lie in wait for them. I want to encourage you to prepare. Believe it or not, the remarriage with children divorce rate is, around 75%. My goal is a remarriage success for you.
Let’s review seven of the most important questions for you and your partner to ask before you start moving full steam ahead with your 2nd marriage.
1. How long have I been divorced?
Most research suggests that waiting a period of at least 2 years before remarrying allows for the greatest chance for success. I know you may be thinking, “Two years!!”. However, take a minute and think about it. There are a lot of tasks that need to be completed before making commitments to 2nd marriages.
2. How long have we dated?
Again, remarriage research shows us that the longer the dating periods the more successful the 2nd marriages. Most remarriages with children happen quicker than first marriages. Typically, the rule of thumb for first marriages is to date at least a year. There’s a lot more work that couples preparing for marriage the next time around need to do and a whole lot more players involved in this family.
3. Am I emotionally ready to move on?
By their very nature, 2nd marriage partners have a loss in their past, whether by divorce or death. Those losses need to thoroughly be dealt with and let go of. If not, these “ghosts” from the past, may wind up haunting your remarriage with children and leave it vulnerable. You also run the risk of making poor partner choices if you are still hurt or angry about the past.
4. How well do my children know my new partner?
Your remarriage will be a huge change for your children. This is bringing a new person into their lives whether they want them there or not. Their reaction to this person will have a major impact on 2nd marriages. As a part of preparing for marriage, it’s in your best interest for your children to really get to know this person. Spending time together to get a feel for what that new life will be like is an important step.
5. How do I know if my kids are ready?
Divorce or death of a parent can be an extremely traumatic situation for children. Think about how you, as an adult, experienced the situation. You have developed ways of coping to loss, learned over years of experience. As children, they’ve not had the opportunity or ability to learn those yet.
Most researchers agree, children are typically one step behind their parents in the grief process. What does this mean? Just about the time you let the kids know you’re preparing for marriage again, they may just be starting to feel comfortable with single parent life.
6. What do we need to know about being a part of a step family?
This is critical. Step families are not nuclear families. There are completely different dynamics. Without being armed with this knowledge before your 2nd marriage, you may find yourself shocked by how different this family functions.
One of the hardest parts about step family life is that you don’t get time to learn as you go. All of those family dynamics are in full force right after the “I do’s”. If you’ve not taken the time to educate yourself beforehand,you will be trying to play catch-up along with dealing with the everyday stressors of being newlyweds.
7. What do my partner and I expect from this marriage?
This is an important exercise in first marriages, but doubly so with 2nd marriages. One of the best ways to get at this information is to talk about how these things were done – or not done – in your previous marriage and how that affected you.
Now that you know what the questions are, I invite you to go deeper… Discover how they directly affect you, your children, your partner. Without adequately preparing for marriage, the odds are against you no matter how strong you think your relationship is right now.
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Tags: preparing for remarriage, preparing for second marriage
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mad
181 days ago
Question: Needing your help !
I am divorced for 4 years. I have a boy 16 years old and he is not going to school because my ex-wife allows him to stay at home. I can’t do something because he is telling my lies about the school. We speak at the phone once or twice a year – he is not answering my messages on mobile. Because of his lies and his mother lies everyone think they are OK and they are not asking any more questions.
I live now , for 3 years, with a lady (same age as mine 52 years) who has a girl 20 years. The girl is in in love with another boy every 6 month. I pay 50% with my girl friend for electricity, water, cableTV and so on…
My girlfriend (I don’t want to remarry) wants to buy a bigger house for all, but I have no money to help this investition. I am working as a doctor but she has more money (working for a bank).
I think I have to leave them because I am afraid one day the 20 years girl will came with a lover and will send me in the street. Very difficult. My mother is 81 years she is living alone (I am co-owner of that apartment with 4 rooms) becase she is not comunicative. What can I do ?
Thanks.