Second Marriages – How to “Grow” a Good Relationship

Preparing for second marriages is a long process. I was thinking about it yesterday while watering my indoor herb plants.  While thinking about all the necessary steps to create a healthy garden, I realized how similar this process is for those preparing for second marriages. Let’s look at how that works…

A good garden starts with good plant selection - That requires several steps. First, you have to decide what plants you want.  Next, you need to be able to tell if they’re healthy or not. And finally, you have to know where to go to find them.

The same is true with finding good partners for second marriages. You need to know what type of person you want to be in a relationship with. What traits are non-negotiable? You also need to be healthy enough yourself, after your divorce, to be able to find someone else who’s healthy. You don’t want to just jump into a relationship with the first breathing body that comes your way. Finally, it’s important to be willing to put yourself out there to date again – letting friends know you’re ready for a new relationship, and going places where you might meet someone.

Your next step in your garden needs to be finding a good planting location - Without the proper amount of sun or right soil, your plants may have a very difficult time thriving. This step represents creating a solid foundation for second marriages. Are you ready? Have you honestly taken the steps you need to take in order to create another long-term committed relationship? Have you given yourself the time and space to get used to being on your own before including someone new in your life?

Step 3 is making sure you dig a good hole for the roots of your plant to grow - If the soil isn’t just right or if the hole is the wrong depth the roots won’t be able to expand, grab hold and support your plant. The same is true for second marriages. You need to give a relationship enough time to allow you both the time to genuinely get to know one another. Time together really is the “roots” of any relationship. This is how you decide if it’s the right relationship for you. Just because you have “lovey” feelings toward one another, doesn’t mean you’re compatible. Research shows time and time again, that remarried couples who dated for at least 2 years have the greatest chance for successful second marriages. Give your relationship time to take root.

The next thing you want to do is provide plenty of water to your fledgling plant - Water and good soil are the food your plants need to sustain them. Making sure you remember to water them every day is essential to their success. This takes a time commitment on your part. I see watering as a process of helping your fledgling relationship strengthen and mature. This is the time when the family as a whole begins preparing for the second marriage. Your children need to be introduced to this new partner and then exposed to them little by little so that a relationship between them and your partner can begin to grow as well. This needs to be a gradual process though. You don’t want to “drown” them with too much interaction all at once.

Finally, your new plants need to have plenty of sunlight - The sun is the other main source of nourishment for new plants. Without it they will become limp and die. Sunlight in second marriages represents your faith relationship. Second marriages built on the foundation of shared faith are shown to be significantly more successful. When you have this foundational piece in place you’ve got nourishment the family can share on a regular basis. It adds strength to the new family that is being created and helps shelter you from the dark clouds of the past.

Tags: marriages, second, second marriages